Dr. Rajesh Bhola
India
Jul 19, 2013
India
Jul 19, 2013
At
times we come across people who may possess a lovely countenance but
are not very affable. On the other hand, we also meet some people who
are very affectionate and positive despite their not-so-appealing outer
looks. Relationships stand on the pillar of positive attitude. That
attitude draws in people we like. Great relationships are created and
maintained with work and wisdom. As we develop our capacity for truth,
humour and sharing we begin to become someone that other people
gravitate to naturally.
Relationships
are very important for all of us. As social beings we need to interact
and relate with children, neighbours, colleagues, parents, and even
people that we do not really know regularly when we go to the mall, the
restaurant or the bank. Those close to us often teach us the most about
love, and we can benefit greatly by listening to them. Heartbreaks and
disappointments are powerful teachers and force us to grow. Maturity
causes us to see others and ourselves differently, and often we begin to
see that something in our self needs to change if we are going to have
loving, positive relationships. We must take responsibility for creating
them. To do this we must know our self and work to improve our
attitude. We often think that love is something that comes to us in the
form of a lover, a pet, a newborn child or something else. But basically
these new relationships call forth something that lives inside us and
longs to be expressed. It is as important to give love, as it is to get
love. Relationships get warmer and the bond grows stronger if we are
playful, spontaneous, generous, thoughtful and affectionate.
To
communicate clearly is also key to better relationships. Good
communication is anchored by good listening, which helps avoid
misunderstandings. Most people get tremendous pleasure from speaking
about themselves. If we always speak about our achievements or
tribulations, people will get fed up with our egoism. If we are willing
and able to listen to others, we will find it much appreciated by them. Some people are not aware of how much they dominate a conversation. If you find you are always talking about yourself, consider the advice of the Greek philosopher, Epictetus: “Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.”
A lot of problems in relationships occur because we want to maintain our personal pride. Do not insist on always having the last word. Healthy relationships are not built by winning meaningless arguments. Be willing to back down; most arguments are not of critical importance anyway. Another important virtue for sustaining relationships is forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just a cliché. Real forgiveness means that we are willing to also forget the experience.
When we make mistakes, just consider how much we would appreciate the
others forgiving us, and forgetting the incident. Maintaining healthy
relationships does not mean we have to spend several hours in analysing
stuff. It means we take a little time to be considerate to others. Good
friendships should be built on spontaneity and newness. Sharing a moment
of humour can often benefit us more than several hours of discussion.
Healthy
relationships should be built on a degree of detachment. Being detached
does not mean to not care. Often when we develop a very strong
attachment we expect the person to behave in a certain way. When they do
not we feel miserable and try to change them. A good friendship based
on detachment means we will always offer good will, but we will not be
upset if our friend(s) wish to go a different way.
Relationships
are the building blocks for all community-organising activities.
Whether you want to organise a badminton game or help get rid of unfair
housing practices in your locality, you will need lots of good
relationships. We need to work together. It is our relationships
added together that are the foundation of an organised effort for
change. We need people to contribute their ideas, take a stand and get
the work done. It is also people who motivate us to reach our goals.
It is often the health and happiness of our children, neighbours and
co-workers that we hold in our minds as we push ourselves to overcome
obstacles and take on overwhelming challenges.
Remaining
cool in disturbing circumstances is very important for supporting a
healthy and long-lasting relationship. We often see married couples that
generate extremes of conflict over rather trivial matters. As soon as
something goes wrong, feelings escalate out of control. Often the
spark is something very small, but the conflagration can be huge. Close
relationships are character building precisely because they bring bliss
and adversity into such close proximity. Everything comes into sharper
relief. It matters all the more.
We
never know when relationships will come in handy. Imagine a wheel in
which we are at the hub or centre, and each spoke represents a
relationship with another person. It takes a lot of spokes to hold the
wheel together, and the wheel is what helps move the vehicle along.
There should be enough room in a group for everyone to create their own
wheel of strong relationships, for which we need to devote time. It is
always better to initiate relationships and nurture them well before we
need them. If we wait for others to establish relationships with us
first, we may spend a lot of time waiting.
Dr. Rajesh Bhola
is President of Spastic Society of Gurgaon and is working for the cause
of children with autism, cerebral palsy, mental retardation and
multiple disabilities for more than 20 years
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