Dr. Rajesh Bhola
India
Aug 24, 2013
India
Aug 24, 2013
Though
diverse, unique individuals populate this beautiful planet, but we
share some fundamental needs – a primary one being a need to be heard
and understood. Many times, instead of open ears we often encounter open
mouths that are eager to give advice or share their stories. It is
important to learn the art of listening, and feel the difference. By
doing so, you will enrich yourself with love, understanding and the
blessings of others.
A
young child suffering from cerebral palsy had been visiting us along
with his grand father for about two years. The old and lonely
grandfather had found solace in the company of his grand son, who was
very articulate despite his physical condition. They were close friends,
as the child had a few years earlier lost his mother - and the other
family members had no time for him. The grand father carried no
authority in the family. The child would come to the rescue of the old
man and fill his void of loneliness. The child too was lonely in his own
way. With his disability and a limited capacity to comprehend this
whole new world before him, he was confused by its weirdness, and needed
the help of an adult to sort out his problems. The old man would come
to his rescue by being a patient listener. The child would share every
difficulty of his only with his grandfather - who became his true
companion. Then one day the grand father died. The little one was
unaware of what had happened, as he was not able to comprehend something
like death. He was worried on two counts. One, his grand father had
gone somewhere for the first time without saying good bye to him; and
two, there was no one to listen to him – someone with whom he could
share how the newly-prepared clippers had enabled him to keep his body
posture straight. The child had lost someone who was always there for
him – who understood him and listened to him.
Being
a good listener helps us not only solve many problems at work or home,
but also see the world through the eyes of others - thereby opening our
understanding and enhancing our capacity for empathy. At every moment we
are receiving a number of sensory messages. Most of us have not been
trained on how to develop the habit of deep listening. Shallow or superficial listening is all too common – like giving the appearance of listening to a teacher in the classroom. Less
obvious is when the message received is different from the one sent;
when we did not really understand the message. We heard but we did not
listen. It takes a conscious effort on our part to be a good and patient listener.
Good
eye contact is essential for being a good listener. By maintaining eye
contact, some of the competing visual inputs are eliminated; we are not
as likely to be distracted from the person talking to us. Most of us
have learned to read lips, often unconsciously, and this lip-reading
helps us understand verbal messages. Many messages are in non-verbal
form; by watching the eyes and face of a person we pick up clues on the
content. Our eye contact with the speaker is our feedback concerning the message – saying yes, I hear you.
Messages can have several meanings, depending upon voice inflection or
modulation, and facial expression. Our listening habits are the result
of years of often unconscious behaviour. Unfortunately we really do not work at listening.
I
have a young physician friend who listens with the patience of a man
much older and wiser than his years. His incredible ability to listen
puts so many of his friends and patients at ease, because they truly
feel they have been heard. The youth of today, distracted by many
attractions, need to increase their patience and endurance, so that they
can listen better. Listening is our bridge to the wisdom of sacred
texts and spiritual teachers. It is an essential part of the discernment
process, whereby we identify and comprehend His messages for us.
Listening enables us to tune in to others, as well as our inner voices
of intuition and conscience. It is how we know that we are part of the
natural, technological and media worlds all around us. There is perhaps
no greater way to show our regard for our friends, family and associates
than to truly listen to them. The “listening heart” leads to a deepening of relationships and a greater sense of self for all.
This kind of communication is not limited to human interactions. Listen
to an animal, the early morning chirping of birds, raindrops falling,
the waves at the beach, the roar of a city neighbourhood - and you will
come to a greater appreciation of your place in the universe. Conversely, an inability or unwillingness to listen is a symptom of self-centredness. In a universe where so many things are speaking to us at so many levels, it is not wise to ignore the voices.
Listen with a clear mind, an open heart, and with total attention
devoted to the other person. That allows us an entry, unfiltered, into
the other’s way of thinking. Listening becomes a means to approaching life – becoming a habit of the heart. We
should listen to God, to the flora and fauna of the natural world, to
the prevailing culture, to hidden messages, to Kenny G’s immortal
instrumental saxophone collection or Lata’s ages-old heart-rending
numbers - to everything that communicates. Every now and then this
listening stance produces some extraordinary discoveries. This is one
step beyond listening open-heartedly to another’s perspective; it
involves climbing into that perspective and thinking from inside it -
the better to grasp its nuances. The beauty of listening as a habit of
the heart is that we are listening to everything - even to ourselves -
as new insights emerge from within us.
Start
by listening like a baby – as if encountering a sound for the first
time; then listen like a child, noticing music, rhythm and a variety of
sound; next, tune in to the messages coming to you from all directions
and multiple levels of experience. It is good to remember that we should
speak only half as much as we listen.
Dr. Rajesh Bhola
is President of Spastic Society of Gurgaon and is working for the cause
of children with autism, cerebral palsy, mental retardation and
multiple disabilities for more than 20 years
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