Pay Attention To Listening by Dr Rajesh Bhola

Dr. Rajesh Bhola
India
Aug 24, 2013


Though diverse, unique individuals populate this beautiful planet, but we share some fundamental needs – a primary one being a need to be heard and understood. Many times, instead of open ears we often encounter open mouths that are eager to give advice or share their stories. It is important to learn the art of listening, and feel the difference. By doing so, you will enrich yourself with love, understanding and the blessings of others.

A young child suffering from cerebral palsy had been visiting us along with his grand father for about two years. The old and lonely grandfather had found solace in the company of his grand son, who was very articulate despite his physical condition. They were close friends, as the child had a few years earlier lost his mother - and the other family members had no time for him. The grand father carried no authority in the family. The child would come to the rescue of the old man and fill his void of loneliness. The child too was lonely in his own way. With his disability and a limited capacity to comprehend this whole new world before him, he was confused by its weirdness, and needed the help of an adult to sort out his problems. The old man would come to his rescue by being a patient listener. The child would share every difficulty of his only with his grandfather - who became his true companion. Then one day the grand father died. The little one was unaware of what had happened, as he was not able to comprehend something like death. He was worried on two counts. One, his grand father had gone somewhere for the first time without saying good bye to him; and two, there was no one to listen to him – someone with whom he could share how the newly-prepared clippers had enabled him to keep his body posture straight. The child had lost someone who was always there for him – who understood him and listened to him. 

Being a good listener helps us not only solve many problems at work or home, but also see the world through the eyes of others - thereby opening our understanding and enhancing our capacity for empathy. At every moment we are receiving a number of sensory messages.  Most of us have not been trained on how to develop the habit of deep listening. Shallow or superficial listening is all too common – like giving the appearance of listening to a teacher in the classroom. Less obvious is when the message received is different from the one sent; when we did not really understand the message. We heard but we did not listen. It takes a conscious effort on our part to be a good and patient listener. 

Good eye contact is essential for being a good listener. By maintaining eye contact, some of the competing visual inputs are eliminated; we are not as likely to be distracted from the person talking to us. Most of us have learned to read lips, often unconsciously, and this lip-reading helps us understand verbal messages. Many messages are in non-verbal form; by watching the eyes and face of a person we pick up clues on the content. Our eye contact with the speaker is our feedback concerning the message – saying yes, I hear you. Messages can have several meanings, depending upon voice inflection or modulation, and facial expression. Our listening habits are the result of years of often unconscious behaviour. Unfortunately we really do not work at listening. 

I have a young physician friend who listens with the patience of a man much older and wiser than his years. His incredible ability to listen puts so many of his friends and patients at ease, because they truly feel they have been heard. The youth of today, distracted by many attractions, need to increase their patience and endurance, so that they can listen better. Listening is our bridge to the wisdom of sacred texts and spiritual teachers. It is an essential part of the discernment process, whereby we identify and comprehend His messages for us. Listening enables us to tune in to others, as well as our inner voices of intuition and conscience. It is how we know that we are part of the natural, technological and media worlds all around us. There is perhaps no greater way to show our regard for our friends, family and associates than to truly listen to them. The “listening heart” leads to a deepening of relationships and a greater sense of self for all. This kind of communication is not limited to human interactions. Listen to an animal, the early morning chirping of birds, raindrops falling, the waves at the beach, the roar of a city neighbourhood - and you will come to a greater appreciation of your place in the universe. Conversely, an inability or unwillingness to listen is a symptom of self-centrednessIn a universe where so many things are speaking to us at so many levels, it is not wise to ignore the voices. Listen with a clear mind, an open heart, and with total attention devoted to the other person. That allows us an entry, unfiltered, into the other’s way of thinking. Listening becomes a means to approaching life – becoming a habit of the heart. We should listen to God, to the flora and fauna of the natural world, to the prevailing culture, to hidden messages, to Kenny G’s immortal instrumental saxophone collection or Lata’s ages-old heart-rending numbers - to everything that communicates. Every now and then this listening stance produces some extraordinary discoveries. This is one step beyond listening open-heartedly to another’s perspective; it involves climbing into that perspective and thinking from inside it - the better to grasp its nuances. The beauty of listening as a habit of the heart is that we are listening to everything - even to ourselves - as new insights emerge from within us.

Start by listening like a baby – as if encountering a sound for the first time; then listen like a child, noticing music, rhythm and a variety of sound; next, tune in to the messages coming to you from all directions and multiple levels of experience. It is good to remember that we should speak only half as much as we listen.

Dr. Rajesh Bhola is President of Spastic Society of Gurgaon and is working for the cause of children with autism, cerebral palsy, mental retardation and multiple disabilities for more  than 20 years

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