Dr. Rajesh Bhola
India
Jan 17, 2014
India
Jan 17, 2014
Like
most people I never thought that asking for help was a big deal. From
an early age I had felt that I could always figure things out for
myself; I had therefore looked at myself as someone who likes to help
others. It is amazing how a few incidents totally changed my perspective
on this matter. There was a clear paradigm shift - from thinking and
believing that I could do it all on my own, to opening up to other
people and other possibilities; connecting to other human beings and
realising that sometimes reaching out to people in times of need is the
most helpful. Most importantly, learning how to ask for help makes us
humble, and grateful for all the relationships that we share. Every one
has a special gift to share, every body loves to contribute and serve in
some way - it just makes the whole ride easier and more fun when we do
things together…instead of struggling alone.
When we face trouble or failure, our first instinct is to run away from it. We see it as a source of shame; a shame that goes deep and impacts us even more than the hardship we are trying to escape from. We try and hide our feelings, and fear that we would give ourselves away by asking for help. We go about our lives in denial, pretending all is well. We keep up a front, despite feeling weak and miserable. Most of us feel too ashamed to ask, feeling it is like ‘begging’. We experience a range of uncomfortable emotions when we need to ask for something. ‘I do not need anybody’s help,’ we assert defiantly. To ask for help is to admit that there is affliction in our own lives, too; it provokes that sense of being a failure again. Many people would rather suffer, than face their embarrassment.
There is a cure for this shame; there is an antidote to this self-defeat. There is no need to pile our inner torment on top of our outer affliction, through self-blame and inadequacy. A person who comes into psychotherapy, for example, may have taken the most courageous step when he finally admitted that he needed help. There is nothing shameful in asking for what is genuinely needed – even begging for help. In Eastern religions, begging was not simply an expedient means for the saints to ask for food; the practice was designed to help people overcome the shame associated with making their needs known. There should be no pride felt in not asking for help, or fear that we will be denied. Even worse is not asking for help because we do not want to bother people – that is false humility (a kind of false pride actually).
I have a close friend who is a doctor, and he stays alone in Gurgaon. He is emotionally very independent. He recently fell sick with viral fever and was writhing in pain for four days. I incidentally walked into his home while passing through that area, and was shocked to see his condition. I remembered his ‘philosophy’. He had said, “I will bend over backwards to help friends in need; I will drop all my plans and go out of my way to make sure I do whatever I can for them. But for whatever reason, I do not always believe they will do this for me. I have a bad habit of making the decisions on behalf of other people – including friends. I believe that others are already facing enough problems of their own, and would not be able to help me deal with mine. I do not share what I am going through because I do not want to be a burden on anyone. It does not feel like pride, because I think I am protecting people from taking on more than they can handle. I believe that I can deal with a lot and that also for a long time. But eventually I hit a wall…. and then I fall apart. I now feel that this may be a disease and I really need help.” It certainly cannot be denied that going off on our own to face some of the fears in the darkness of our soul may be necessary. However, let us learn that ‘seeking help’ is not a ‘burden’. Let us give others the opportunity to have the same feelings that we have when we help others.
While many are proud of their independence (of not being dependent at all), the reality is that there is little that we can do by ourselves. We cannot even breathe without the help of external support - from plants and the atmosphere, or the internal support of the lungs, blood cells and a host of other micro systems that keep the overall ‘system’ well-coordinated. We mistakenly think that we are always in full control of our body. When we see people suffering mental disorders – when the impulses from the brain cannot reach the affected body part - we suddenly realize the tenuous influence we have over our body. We feel disabled in some way and start realising that we also may need to ask for help. Asking for help does not mean avoiding doing something or trying to get others to do things for us. We need to learn to ask others for help so that they can share their talents with us for things we may not be good at, or during times when we do not have the time or energy to do them. Having taken this path, we are then never alone. This interdependence is both humbling and heartening. When we get stuck or hurt or tired, allowing others to help us is only natural. In a more interconnected world, that should be our natural response. In general, help should be a natural part of giving and receiving. This allows the natural flow of energy through the Universe. When we get stuck in either just hoarding, or taking from others, we stymie that flow - and we stymie ourselves. We should embrace reality and start moving with integrity in our lives. The Universe is always watching out for the best interests of our spiritual evolution, even when we are too narrowly focused to see all the opportunities it presents us. Sometimes all that is needed is a change in perspective; seeking help is not such a bad idea.
We pray to the Almighty and ask for His help, but do we carefully listen when He is working through one of His children to be that blessing that we are seeking? There is short story that tells us that it is not God who comes for help; it is only through human beings that God incarnates ‘help’. ‘A large boat was wrecked at sea, and there was only one survivor. This man prayed and asked God to save his life. Soon thereafter, another boat came by and offered the man some help. "No thanks," said the man, "I'm waiting for God to save me." The men on the boat shrugged their shoulders and continued. As the man became more deeply concerned, another boat came by. Again the people aboard offered this man some help, and again he politely declined. "I'm waiting for God to save me," he repeated. After some time the man began to lose his faith, and soon after that he died. Upon reaching Heaven, he had a chance to speak with God briefly. "Why did you let me die? Why did not you answer my prayers?" he wailed. "I sent you two boats, my son,” remarked God.
When we face trouble or failure, our first instinct is to run away from it. We see it as a source of shame; a shame that goes deep and impacts us even more than the hardship we are trying to escape from. We try and hide our feelings, and fear that we would give ourselves away by asking for help. We go about our lives in denial, pretending all is well. We keep up a front, despite feeling weak and miserable. Most of us feel too ashamed to ask, feeling it is like ‘begging’. We experience a range of uncomfortable emotions when we need to ask for something. ‘I do not need anybody’s help,’ we assert defiantly. To ask for help is to admit that there is affliction in our own lives, too; it provokes that sense of being a failure again. Many people would rather suffer, than face their embarrassment.
There is a cure for this shame; there is an antidote to this self-defeat. There is no need to pile our inner torment on top of our outer affliction, through self-blame and inadequacy. A person who comes into psychotherapy, for example, may have taken the most courageous step when he finally admitted that he needed help. There is nothing shameful in asking for what is genuinely needed – even begging for help. In Eastern religions, begging was not simply an expedient means for the saints to ask for food; the practice was designed to help people overcome the shame associated with making their needs known. There should be no pride felt in not asking for help, or fear that we will be denied. Even worse is not asking for help because we do not want to bother people – that is false humility (a kind of false pride actually).
I have a close friend who is a doctor, and he stays alone in Gurgaon. He is emotionally very independent. He recently fell sick with viral fever and was writhing in pain for four days. I incidentally walked into his home while passing through that area, and was shocked to see his condition. I remembered his ‘philosophy’. He had said, “I will bend over backwards to help friends in need; I will drop all my plans and go out of my way to make sure I do whatever I can for them. But for whatever reason, I do not always believe they will do this for me. I have a bad habit of making the decisions on behalf of other people – including friends. I believe that others are already facing enough problems of their own, and would not be able to help me deal with mine. I do not share what I am going through because I do not want to be a burden on anyone. It does not feel like pride, because I think I am protecting people from taking on more than they can handle. I believe that I can deal with a lot and that also for a long time. But eventually I hit a wall…. and then I fall apart. I now feel that this may be a disease and I really need help.” It certainly cannot be denied that going off on our own to face some of the fears in the darkness of our soul may be necessary. However, let us learn that ‘seeking help’ is not a ‘burden’. Let us give others the opportunity to have the same feelings that we have when we help others.
While many are proud of their independence (of not being dependent at all), the reality is that there is little that we can do by ourselves. We cannot even breathe without the help of external support - from plants and the atmosphere, or the internal support of the lungs, blood cells and a host of other micro systems that keep the overall ‘system’ well-coordinated. We mistakenly think that we are always in full control of our body. When we see people suffering mental disorders – when the impulses from the brain cannot reach the affected body part - we suddenly realize the tenuous influence we have over our body. We feel disabled in some way and start realising that we also may need to ask for help. Asking for help does not mean avoiding doing something or trying to get others to do things for us. We need to learn to ask others for help so that they can share their talents with us for things we may not be good at, or during times when we do not have the time or energy to do them. Having taken this path, we are then never alone. This interdependence is both humbling and heartening. When we get stuck or hurt or tired, allowing others to help us is only natural. In a more interconnected world, that should be our natural response. In general, help should be a natural part of giving and receiving. This allows the natural flow of energy through the Universe. When we get stuck in either just hoarding, or taking from others, we stymie that flow - and we stymie ourselves. We should embrace reality and start moving with integrity in our lives. The Universe is always watching out for the best interests of our spiritual evolution, even when we are too narrowly focused to see all the opportunities it presents us. Sometimes all that is needed is a change in perspective; seeking help is not such a bad idea.
We pray to the Almighty and ask for His help, but do we carefully listen when He is working through one of His children to be that blessing that we are seeking? There is short story that tells us that it is not God who comes for help; it is only through human beings that God incarnates ‘help’. ‘A large boat was wrecked at sea, and there was only one survivor. This man prayed and asked God to save his life. Soon thereafter, another boat came by and offered the man some help. "No thanks," said the man, "I'm waiting for God to save me." The men on the boat shrugged their shoulders and continued. As the man became more deeply concerned, another boat came by. Again the people aboard offered this man some help, and again he politely declined. "I'm waiting for God to save me," he repeated. After some time the man began to lose his faith, and soon after that he died. Upon reaching Heaven, he had a chance to speak with God briefly. "Why did you let me die? Why did not you answer my prayers?" he wailed. "I sent you two boats, my son,” remarked God.
Dr.
Rajesh Bhola is President of Spastic Society of Gurgaon and is working
for the cause of children with autism, cerebral palsy, mental
retardation and multiple disabilities for more than 25 years. He can be
contacted at rabhola@yahoo.com
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