Stop the Blame Game

Dr. Rajesh Bhola
India
Oct 25, 2013


It is everyday that we find people jumping the red lights. We also come across regular 'road disputes'. However, rather than accept their mistake, the rogue drivers offer excuses – worse, they blame the other person. It is not uncommon for people who engage in blame behaviour to also be selfish. And as long as they are getting benefit from it – whether monetary, emotional or psychological – they will continue to engage in those actions. A few days ago a driver, who was in a great hurry, smashed into a vehicle that was parked at a red light. The vehicle was being driven by an aged 'law-abiding' doctor. Instead of taking responsibility for his action, which had unintended but grave consequences, the driver began to find reasons to be excused from the repercussions – which the driver believed he did not deserve. The main goal of blaming others is to protect our own emotions and ego; gradually it becomes an attitude, which makes such behaviour self-reinforcing. 

Blame, like greed, gives us temporary respite, but it does not improve our life. Quite the contrary, blame is like a fire getting out of control. If we let the wind catch them, such fires can burn down everything that is capable of giving us happiness and peace. Whereas greedy behaviour damages us slowly and insidiously, the behaviour of blaming others can unleash a terrible fire-storm, which can do great damage in a short time. Finding someone to blame only gives us a temporary sensation of having solved a problem. If something does not work out, it is easy to get creative and find some reason why it is someone else's fault. Anger and self-righteousness are exciting feelings, but we must not become so hooked on excitement that we stop being able to see the more subtle shades of cause and effect. We need to develop the capacity to be objective about ourselves, to avoid assuming that we could never possibly have created any problems. We should embrace feedback about ourselves, otherwise we would not be able to move forward. This pill may be bitter to swallow but it will do us good. We have to learn to relax, even if we do not know for a while why something has not worked out right. We need to tolerate the temporary uncertainty, until we get a wider perspective.

If we are big enough to realise that we have made a mistake, we should  admit it; and then find ways, if possible, to make things better. That is all it takes and all we can do. We can give people feedback later, once we have calmed down – and only if it is necessary. Calling someone an idiot, or telling him that he is always doing everything wrong, is not feedback – it is just abuse. This kind of emotional incontinence may make people weary and anxious, but they will never respect us, because it displays our weaknesses so clearly. There is no shame in accepting blame; quite the opposite, it shows real strength of character. Very wise and intelligent people make stupid mistakes – it is part of being human. The only genuine way to not make a mistake - again - is to first realise that we made it. People will respect us for it. Being able to apologise in relationships makes them much more likely to last and thrive. Seeing objectively where we went wrong is how we improve and develop. We need to develop the capacity to respond to the feedback that life gives us about ourselves – free of the distorting effects of both the lows of self-esteem and the highs of conceit and arrogance. Yes, other people can use this as an excuse to turn on us, but they too will learn better. Some people get more hung up on assigning blame than on actually fixing a problem. If people feel we blame them unfairly, they will resent us – they may even come to hate us. People instinctively hate injustice.  Even otherwise, respect for ourselves is a function of the respect we have for others. Respect sets us free.

Human beings are equipped with a sophisticated radar, which is very good at expressing and transmitting our thoughts and feelings to others, but not as good at picking up and accepting what others feel about us. What is not picked up is how our behaviour or words affect others. People who blame others are usually trying to hide their feelings of helplessness. If they did not blame anyone they would have to admit that they were not in control; by blaming others the helpless person feels more in control. We must learn how to take responsibility of our actions and be in control of our life, rather than blame innocent people.

Basically it is our inner state of mind that is the root cause of our discomfort. We need to be comfortable with ourselves, and be cool, patient and tolerant. We all are here to learn lessons, even if they feel uncomfortable at times. We need to let go of our attachment to what went wrong or what should have happened. We should try to view the situation from a different perspective; get objective and see it from the other’s eyes – see clearly all the things we could have done better. Otherwise life will continue to throw us the same lessons until we learn from them.  

Quit playing the blame game. It will allow you to be in a loving, equal and relaxing relationship. By accepting blame, it does not mean that no one else played a part; it just means that perhaps we also contributed in making our life unhappy. Be really honest with yourself, about your choices and actions. If you are willing to change your perspective, you may immediately see what lesson needs to be learned and exactly how to learn the lesson. Letting go is also instrumental. It could come in many forms: seeing the good in the person who seems difficult, accepting a situation for what it is or seeing the other side of the story. 

Dr. Rajesh Bhola is President of Spastic Society of Gurgaon and is working for the cause of children with autism, cerebral palsy, mental retardation and multiple disabilities for more than 25 years. 

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